So I haven't posted in here for a long time which is a good and a bad thing I guess. I was watching the Colbert Report the other day and they were talking about this senator who was famous for keeping meticulous diaries and records...and basically the one point of the whole thing was that people can sometimes get so caught up in recording their lives and feeling or whatever (ie blogs, facebook, twitter, diaries etc...) that they sometimes forget to live it. I think in some ways that used to be me.

But anyways, I had some stuff I had been thinking about so I wanted to put it down. Today was my brother Matt's graduation from Brown University. He's a year older than me and I'm probably closest with him out of all of my brothers so it was nice to see him accomplish all that he has. But besides that this has been a pretty hard couple days...

I think I originally thought that my parents divorcing would somehow make things easier, but I was wrong...in a big way. Overall, it just really sucks and I don't even know how to explain why. It's not like I ever even knew my parents as a couple who really loved each other, but I think this was one of the first times that I really felt the seperation. This even more so cause my dad brought I'm guessing "his girlfriend" with him. Some young looking red haired white skinny chick. And my dad couldn't even come speak to me, or even just...I dunno. And then I found out that my cousin's wedding was today (that I guess I'm not invited to-wtf) and that he was going presumably with this woman,...and then there was my brother's girlfriend and It was all just...too much. I'm starting to feel like when my dad divorced my mom, that he divorced me too. And that hurts...way more than I ever realized. And I mean, I'm the kid who bawled at the fact that my brothers were simply going to college...but I don't even know how to think about this. I like to believe that I'm really strong about these things, and I am, when I'm completely seperate from the situation, but when it comes to things like this I guess I really am just another wimp. And I knew all i was inches from crying, but i knew i couldn't even think about it until i got home and my brother left, because that would've just been too much.

Aside from that issue I think i had a bit of an epiphany today. My entire life, I've kind of struggled with my weight, I mean- i was never fat or anything but I don't ever remember going below a size 9 and that was like middle/high school. My dad always told me I needed to lose weight, from the time I was little, and even a few weeks ago he was lecturing me about how to make a salad...which i think I know how to do thankyouverymuch...and then my brothers started to so it. And today I was told twice that I need to do some crunches. Now, I understand the importance of being healthy, but there is only so much I can take. And today I was looking at the woman my dad was with, and my brother's girlfriend and I just had it. Now if there is one thing that I know, especially after taking a class on African American health, is that Black women are at LEAST  2 times as likely to be obese than white women. 80% of black women are overweight or worse. Now I know I'm not a size 4 but I'm not a size 16 either. And to be honest, i think their constant harping on weight has made me even more self concious about trying to get healthy and for a while mad me a miserable person. So while I am probably the heaviest I have ever been- I have decided today that I am no longer going to worry about my weight. Not in the sense of looking good anyways. I need believe that I can look good now, just the way I am. I shouldn't being crying or avoiding the beach because I won't look good in a two piece. I know that I am never gonna be a size 2 and well, that really has nothing to do with any of them. So I'm gonna a find a way to be happy, just the way I am and not worry about what they think. I'm me, and that's all I can be.

So, I just recently got a week off from school- all because of some weird president's day break that they use as an excuse to postpone our spring break. Either way, I needed a break anyways, even though I wasted it by sleeping till 2pm everyday and staying up till 4 watching variety shows and the like. So now it's Saturday, and I was assuming that I would have at least one day to actually buckle down and attempt to do some of my work, but I text my ride back to school to ask when she's leaving for Albany (I texted her yesterday), and she texts me back at 9:30 this morning "Today."

Woooowww. I actually hadn't really had the highest opinion of this girl lately, since she's been showing me a side of her that I usually don't take from anyone, and I had actually decided that I didn't  want to drive with her anymore, because she'd been treating me as if I was some poor little child that didn't know anything because I don't drive. Anyways, even though she had offended me a bunch of times, I decided, what's the harm in going this time. And sure enough- she screws me over. I mean- its not her job to tell me where she's going and when- but still, I would assume that it's just common courtesy- I mean, she's the one that asked me to come with her...

I'm just so mad righ now, and I had even been thinking of living with her next year, but this incident just reminded me of all the reasons why I can't stand her and I'm seriously thinking about saying "go to hell." I can't stand shadiness like that. Just because I don't say much around you does not mean that I'm just gonna let people push me over.

I've been serously wondering why it seems like 3/4 of the people I meet and decide to become friends with turn out ot be jerks? Why to I seem to attract jerks?? Seriously- I'm tired of it. I guess this is a just a reminder about why I shouldn't rely on anyone.

I guess this was just an angry rant...after not posting for so long... On a brighter note, I made Deans List! Which I thought I made all last year lol...but I guess not lol...

Either way....I'm gonna have to go back to school earlier than planned so I have to end this thing.

So.... I have about a week and a half of break left, and I haven't really done ANYTHING. I have slept till like one pm everyday and just sat around playing the Sims, baking, and watching dramas. Especially at this point in my life I should be doing stuff...looking for a job, or an internship...but at this point I feel so lost and just tired overall that i don't even know where to start. But I must say-it has been nice to relax this vacation....my brother even got me a new game (even though I'm not really that interested in playing it, but it came out recently and it looks expensive...) but what sucks is that i don't think my laptop supports it, not to mention the fact that I have barely any memory on this wimpy old thing...what I really need to do is get a new computer...or at least reformat this one...but unfortunately I've lost the master CD :-(

Otherwise things are cool...still at like 3.5somethingorother hoping to bring that up next semester, even with my weird schedule, but more than that I want to start working, volunteering, and getting involved in student groups. I have my eye on an e-board position in my Honor Society, but we'll see what happens with that....

So last week was kind of annoying...Although I shouldn't really complain much because I had monday to wednesday off. >_<  But otherwise there was just so much stuff going on that I was bound to pop sometime. ...I was actually supposed to go home for that break for sorely needed dentist appointment....unfortunately for me, I got sick AGAIN-for the second time this month. It was like some gross upper respiratory infection, and although I could walk around n stuff, I was coughing ridiculously and it was overall just gross. As a result I couldn't really go to the dentist like that, esp if they were gonna be drilling in my mouth...and so I debated for days whether i should go home...in reality I didn't really wanna go home or have to take the bus, so although I probably won't be able to get another dentist appointment for a month, I stayed in albany.

Thennn friday I dropped my phone in the toilet. -_-...lucky for me, it still works, although I was pretty freaked out for a few hours...Being all melodramatic n stuff...

Afterwards, my roomate's friend and boyfriend came to visit for a few days. And its not like I'm a recluse or anything, but I think I'm just tired of always having people I don't know around. lol I can't help it, but its like sometimes, I just want things to be calm. I hate being a hostess! But tnow they're gone and I kinda feel like a loser cause I guess I wasn't as "open" as I shoulda been but whatever. I don't care anymore. I have plenty of other junk to worry about. Like a quiz in japanese tomorrow and and essay due on tuesday. Why am I such a procrastinator??

So I guess this hasn't been the best week for me. I had to go home on Monday for an emergency dentist appointment since no one could take me up here in Albany. I won't go into the details cause it gets a bit gross and embarrassing, but I will say that it took everything i had for me not to cry...and the minute I got out of the door I had a nervous breakdown....Dentists really need to work on their bedside manner. Well- All Doctors for that manner. I mean- I paying them way more than I should anyways...they might as well learn how to act like human beings.

And as a result of that whole escapade I missed classes on Tuesday and Wednesday, which I used to recuperate from my "procedure" :( :(  Now, I'm wayyyy behind. And its funny because the teacher I thought would be the worst with it was actually the easiest and told me "not to worry about it." But then it was everyone else who was giving me an effin hard time! I hate teachers. Well most of them. Anywho- I'm behind an entire book, an essay, and a quiz, not to mention the actual studying time I lost for my Japanese class. So although I desperately wanted to get out of my "love" infested apartment this weekend, I trapped myself in my room and worked alllllll dayyyy longggg. Although I still feel like I've hardly got anything done.

But when I say "love" infested, I mean, 2 of my roomate's have their "boyfriend's" up for the weekend. ... I 'm already 20 years old, and I still don't really understand that dynamic. It's sad, but its my life so I'm not gonna lie. Now that I think about it, I'm the only one in my apartment who doesn't have a boyfriend. Not that it's weird to be single, but It's uncomfortable when you feel like you're the third wheel...or fifth wheel...or whatever...I don't know...I don't want to really talk about this anymore...it's annoying.

So I've been having a few pretty bad days, and I felt myself on the brink of exploding so I hopped on the bus to mall. I bought a new shirt n some pretty snazzy converses and I was soooo excited to wear them tomorrow (lol) and I get back to my room- and realize that the stupid cashier didn't take off the ink tag!!!! WTFFFFFFFF....And I'm pretty much beat right now....I don't know if I could handle getting BACK on the bus just to go back 2 that one store...this is soo frustratining...not to mention the fact that I have a toothache right now. Bah.

Sooo. I don't think I've ever been this exhausted. Well- maybe that's not true, but I feel pretty beat right now. Not to mention the fact that I caught some nasty sinus cold thing....Otherwise things have been ok. I'm been too busy to think about anything other than school really...I went shopping 4 stuff for the apartment with one of roomates the other day, put in some job applications, etc etc...but other than that my life has been Hw, Hw, Hw. Boring and Tiring. I'm tired of studying, reading, and waking up at 7 am every day.

Yesterday I actually ended up going to a general interest meeting for my friend's asian-interest multicultural Greek org Sigma Psi Zeta. It was pretty cool actually, everyone was super nice, and it was fun...but- i still don't think i'd be able to get over my reservations about going greek and joining an asian interest org at that. Even though everyone was super amazing and for a while I actually did feel comfortable with all of them...but i dunno. I think I've already been over all the stuff that would stop me so I'm not gonna go into it again.

Anyways, I can't think of anything else to say right now. Maybe because the theraflu I just took is making me sleepy.

Things are pretty good. I Should actually be more estatic especially since I was just informed that I got a scholarship!!!! 2000 dollars for the school year!! Which is COMPLETELY amazinggg and I almost didn't believe it at first. The bad part is that it will all probably be going to my credit card cause I'm nearly at my limit (Pretty bad- I know) and I hate being in debt...although I'l be in debt probably for the next 15 years at least because of school loans lol.  But still that's Two-freakin-thousand dollars that I didn't have before!!!!!

Other than that things have been ok. I've been getting by with classes, still not really in the hang of things, but I'm getting there. My Japanese language class is pretty cool, and the teacher's hilarious, and not just because she has the funniest accent ever. She seems really nice and so far her class is enjoyable, besides the fact that half of people are weirdos, and I know I shouldn't judge but there's no getting around it. And I'm fine with weird. I'm a lil weird myself lol...but other than that there are some pretty cool people in there too. There is this one english class I have, and on monday I felt pretty good about it, but after today I think my perspective has changed a little. My teacher is- well- a Beast...and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I mean, she's passionate I guess, and maybe I've just been too sheltered with my experiences with teachers, but she literally Ripped people apart...I felt so embarressed and sad and she was never even talking to me :-(. I just hope I don't end up on the other end of that someday.

Other than those two my other classes seem ok- so far. I'm just waiting till I get tired of my "Japanese Pop Culture" teacher's dry humor. Yup. But yeah. OH! and I read the ENTIRE "Twilight" series in 13 days!!!! omg that must have been at leastttt 2000 pages...but it was amazing. And not only did I want to keep reading because the story was good, but also because I had almost forgotten how good it feels to really get into a book and enjoy it for what it is. It was one of the best experiences ever. And it was also a genre that I always kind of shied away from....vampire romance?...lol but it was good. I would say "super" or some other word like that but I'm still trying to reconcile with my self image and I don't think I can handle the the acceptance of "romance" novels as an acceptable form of entertainent quite yet. But now that I'm done I feel like I don't know what to do with my life, my free time. How SAD is that? Not that I'll have any time anyways. I have alot of work and events in the next couple weeks, so I'm sure that last statement will eventually be overruled at one point or another.

Sooo tomorrow's my birthday. I turn TWENTY which is weird, since I still feel kind of immature lol but whatever. I went to Rockland County for mostly no reason other than I always feel kinda reminiscent when go there. But I got some Haitian food that I can't get up here and then went to Palisades Mall. I had almost forgotten how CRAZY that place is...but I got some good stuff, and it was really nice of my mom to buy everything, cause these days stuff is tight. But other than that things have been ok at Home, the best they can be I guess. I almost don't wanna go back to Albany. But I'm sure that will change with time.

On another note...Go Phelps! lol I watched EVERY SINGLE RACE and was probably bordering on obsession but whatever lol. It's nice to see people in sports actually doing great things, especially after all those drug scandals...what a disgrace.

Ohhh, and when I was at Palisades I ended up buying that book "Twilight" lol. I had been arguing with myself for a while over whether I should get it or not since everyone seems to be raving about it....even though I don't read so-called "romance" novels or purely "love" themed books, we'll see what happens. Hopefully I won't be uncomfortable with too much "cheesiness."

Other than that, I wanted to make a List of the upcoming movies I want to see, because there's just too much stuff and I'll lose track if I don't record it somewhere...

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince-(Which has just been pushed back to Summer 09 wtf??)
Miracle at St. Anna-09/2008
The Duchess-09/19/08
Eagle Eye-09/26/08
Tyler Perry's the Family that Preys-09/12/2008
High School Musical 3-LOL
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist-10/03/08
The Secret Life of Bees-10/17/08
RocknRolla-10/08/08
Soul Men-11/04/08
Twilight-12/12/08 (Hope I can actually get to finishing that book by then...)

Definitely thought this list would be longer...actually there are a bunch more...but I have to figure out their exact titles n stuff...so we'll see what happens.

Right now I feel like a nap.

Sooo I just finished my last day of summer classes...and I'm happy, but its kind of bittersweet because it ended on a weird note. I'm just hoping that I get A's...

Also, I'm supposed to be going home in about 2 hours or so...taking the bus...but I'm feeling like I don't even want to go anymore lol...It's probably because I'm nervous about the whole bus thing, but It's still making me wonder why I'm going home. I'm probably just gonna end up on the couch for four days. And we're also in the process of selling our house and blah blah blah...oh well. It's too late to get cold feet!

Bu now that I'm finished with Summer Sessions, I have a little over one week till I start the fall semester. Booooo :-( . But at least it seems like there's gonna be some interesting stuff happening, and I'm DETERMINED to get more involved this year, DETERMINED! But I'm super excited b/c Lupe Fiasco is coming to my campus and he's like the only rapper who's music I can listen to..well- not the ONLY one, but close enough. And then the America's Best Dance Crew Tour is coming to Albany, and they better have better groups that "BreakSkate" b/c they are so wackkkkk lol. And then there's rush for my friend's sorority...etc etc...It should be fun. We'll see what happens.

Soooo. I'm watching the Olympics. Some pretty cool stuff, some swimming some basketball etc etc...and it's funny cause I"m watching the Chinese gymnastics team right now, and I can't believe that all those girls are supposed to be 16 years old...it's crazyyyyy....they look maybe like 13 to me...But I remember my cousin did gymnastics for a while, and it actually hindered her growth until she stopped, so I guess that has has something to do with it also...

Oh man, I'm watching this guy interviewing Bush in Beijing and omg it makes me never want to be a reporter...he is sooo annoying. I mean, I know freedom of the press etc etc...but he just seems to be trying to stir up the worse things...which I guess is his job but he's not saying anything that we don't already know...please...Why do I feel stupider every time I watch the news? Oh-maybe cause I'm being talked down to. Seriously, the news never reports on positive things, there must be like 50 negative things for every one positive story. Not that I feel everything should be all hunky-dory but I just feel like people are so concerned with their own political agendas these days that they forget that humans are capable of good too.

Other than that I haven't really been doing much. Actually, yesterday at was waiting for the bus, and I get this phone call...turns out its from my "ex-aunt" lol who had just called my mom, who in turn told her how I had been talking about how I have this cousin in Florida that I've never even met. So this lady calls me and puts me on the phone with her daughter....and it was interesting...a lil weird even, partially cause I just don't like talking on the phone in general, not to mention the fact that I've never even SEEN these people lol...and then I had to get off the phone a min later cause I got on the bus. I think she's like 26 or something like that, and has 3 kids? Ahhhh man. There are too many "unknowns" in my family....It's so weird. I hope me and my brothers never get like that.

I have 1(actually 2) big assignments before summer sessions are over. Actually 3, but the one final doesn't count as "big" to me cause it's  just a multiple choice test. So, right now I have to focus on a 4-6 page paper along with a 15-20 minute presentation on the same topic of the paper. These things are due on Thursday, and I've barely even thought about it...I think I'm so annoyed at the teacher and the way he's handled the class that its making me procrastinate and get frustrated. I haven't had a teacher that has gotten me this annoyed in a while. It's one thing to not know what you're talking about, but its another thing to not know, and act like you do. That just confuses everybody. Pshhh. I actually do have an idea in my head, I wanted to try and talk about multiculturalism in American lit, and although I feel like that's a hurdle I've tackled already, (wrote an essay on it my the fall of my sophomore year I think) I'm sure I can take a new look on it...I hope. The class is "American Literary Traditions" and we only read 4 African American novels, but he gave us permission to pretty much talk about any book we wanted. But it's funny because I hadn't realized till now, how many books I've started reading for classes, but never actually finished... Off the top of my head I can think of at least, 8 in the past 2 semesters lol...that's horrible...I've gotta pick up the pace.

Sooo summer's winding down. I have one more week left of class and I can't waitttt till I'm done. But then after a break of one week, I start all over again lol.

Right now I'm actually waiting for the Olympic Opening ceremonies to start. It's weird because for as long as I can remember, I would always watch it at home, with my family, and its weird that I'm watching them in Albany by myself. Kinda sad actually. I'm not even an athlete but I get excited whenever the Olympics come on. Just tradition I guess.

Besides that I've actually been trying to get off my behind and do something with my life. I officially resigned from JCPenney yesterday- I turned in my badge and discount card :-/, even though I only used it like twice. But lucky for me, I decided to step into Charlotte Russe when I saw their "Hiring" sign, and I got an interview  >_<. Even though that doesn't necessarily mean I'll get the job,  I always feel a little better when I at least get an interview, rather than just handing in an application and never get a response.

There's a whole lot of other stuff I could talk about, but the Olympics are startingg....:-)

So I just got finished reading my old blog posts from September of 2006, when I started college. I absolutely love the fact that I can look back at those, because it helps me understand what the heck I was thinking lol...Today in particular, I was interested in trying to discover when and why exactly I had started liking this guy, who is the only guy on my campus that I have felt any attraction towards, and even though I did figure out some stuff, I was so paranoid back then that I was too nervous to even write details. Not once did I even mention the guy's name...but it's funny how I could be so vague about things, and even now I still know exactly what incidents I was referring to. Other than the fact that those past entries reinforce my naivety and obliviousness, they also prompt me not to make the same mistakes in the future. I guess I could say that I would have known that without reading those posts- but in my case, i think its better to see these things in a concrete fashion. For example, I know I was nervous about people discovering my "inner thoughts," but the ways in which I decided to "protect" myself were way overboard. A lot of my problems stem from the fact that I'm afraid of what people think of me. Back then, I was so afraid that it kept me from pursuing my happiness, so I've been stuck in this limbo for almost 2 years, and I still don't quite know how to get out of it. I'm pretty sure this dude doesn't think about me as often as I think about him, but I think its the "not knowing" that's really horrible. Especially because I tend to cling to things (or people) once I get kind of  "comfortable" in a situation. i.e. I'm comfortable just liking this guy from a distance, because I won't feel the embarrassment of rejection or awkwardness of what to do next. But yesterday I had a revelation- What if he starts dating someone? Then they'll definitely be a whole lot of hurt to go around. And I won't know what to do with myself. It would so much easier to just tell him and even get rejected, rather than just sit here crushing on him for years...problem is, I have no way to approach him without feeling like a weirdo stalker. A Facebook creeper lol...Man... Sometimes I feel like the internet has just made my life more complicated.

Other than that classes are killing me. My brain is being fried by all the reading, and I've discovered that one of my teacher's is a complete and utter disaster when it comes to teachings. Not to mention the fact that the books he picked were horrendous. (In my opinion, i mean he couldn't do better than-"The Confessions of Nat Turner?" I suppose its a Pulitzer prize winner or something...but its one of the most offensive and ridiculous books ever in the history of historical fiction. I dunno. Guess I just have a bias cause i think the author was a naive subconscious racist) Maybe it's because English isn't his first language. But I don't like people assuming things about me, especially when they have no idea who i am or why i act a certain way. He made some comment in class about how this online post is a "requirement" and he looked specifically at me, cause I didn't post lol...but still. I didn't post because I wasn't gonna contribute anything worthwhile. Which sounds stupid, but when it comes down to it that's what it was. I'm not the type of person who's gonna write some half ass thing and try to get credit for it. That's just not me. But he was looking at me as if I was some bad student who just didn't want to do my work. Wtf. Stare in another direction dude.

Also, I have less than 3 weeks left as a teenager. I turn 20 on August 18th. It's crazy. I don't know where my childhood went.

I'm supposed to be reading the Aeneid for class tomorrow. Crap.

I need to stop wasting my time watching kdrama's and tdramas and concentrate on the books!!!

Sooo today wasn't too bad. I would've actually been in bed by now if it wasn't for that dude living on the other side of my apartment burning up the freaking stove and so now I feel like I can hardly breathe in my own room...I don't know how he didn't notice when his door was freakin open...I don't even have a fan or an air freshener...just body spray lol...ughhhh my throat....

But other that that today was a fairly good day, Satisfactory. That's all to report I guess. It seems like I write a whole lot more when things are actually bothering me...but today was good so i don't have anything to complain about. I got through a presentation and scored an A on my first test of the summer. So other than the fact that I can hardly breathe in my own room, I'm content.

So right now I'm supposed to be reading....I have approximately 400 pages that I'm supposed to have read by tomorrow but I highly doubt I'm going to get any of it done. Not to mention the fact that I have to draft the beginnings of a presentation I have on Wednesday.  My second summer class started today and the schedule is going to run me into the ground I swear it. I have to finish the Iliad by Wednesday, then the odyssey by friday and it goes on like that with 8 books till the four weeks is over. What nonsense is this? And I still have another class to worry about...

On another note, I finally started teaching myself some html, after saying for years that I wanted to learn. And it was so cool when I realized that I was typing up that code that had for so looked completely confusing to me lol.

Other than that my life still sucks. I'm still depressed and its still lonely in Albany. I'm starting to wonder if its worse to have people around that bother you or if its worse to be alone. No I'm lying, I know its better that I got rid of the people that were making me upset, but at the same time, I never knew someone could feel this lonely. And what makes it worse is the fact that for so long I've tried to lie to myself and say that I was fine. I guess my worst fear is revealing vulnerability, even to myself sometimes. I think because if I admit how sad an unhappy I really am, I won't be able to go back to the way I used to be. And as a result of me not being able to properly work through these things I get randomly hit with these bouts of extreme sadness...which in turn hinders me from doing anything else. Like right now. I'm supposed to be reading...

So I gained weight. During the month and a half between when spring semester ended and when my summer classes started, I pigged out at home and now I'm "reaping the benefits." I can't really blame anyone but myself because I was the one who baked every time I was bored, and then ate almost everything myself. Cream puffs, apple pies...all that good stuff lol...I even remember my brother scolding me cause I kept going back for more, but I was bored, and a bit depressed...I really don't know how much I gained, all I know is that there are rolls that weren't there before, and I can't fit into my favorite pair of pants.

But since I'm at school, and I have to cook for myself, and get my own food, maybe I'll shrink back to normal by the time school starts lol....since its such a hassle to take the bus and carry groceries all the way back to my apartment from the bus stop. But I just consider it a blessing in disguise. That way I really have to pick and choose what I buy- meaning no fruit roll ups, no cookies, no big bags of chips, no frozen pies lol....As well as not gorge myself on the food I do make. This is gonna be my six weeks of discipline! Well, besides the apple pie and tiramisu that I ordered from that deli the other day lolol...

One thing that has been bothering me is when people ask me what I wanna be. I'm an English major, and I guess I'm pretty good at essays, but I still don't know what the heck I'm gonna do with that. A lot of times I get mad at myself because I think I chose the easy, less practical path. I like my major, but I sometimes wish I had at least tried another subject before I "put all my eggs in one basket." Now I have four semesters left of college and all my options seem to be disappearing. One thing I do know is that I want to go to graduate school. Somewhere farrrr away lol...no but somewhere better than SUNY Albany that's for sure. I hate this place...and a lot of the people are so shallow...but If I don't even know what I wanna do, how am I gonna go to grad school? I just declared my minor as Japanese, even though I haven't taken any language classes yet -_-...but we'll see. I wanted to take Korean too, but just thinking about trying to learn two languages at the same time that are so absolutely foreign to my native tongue, well that's intimidating...but I keep feeling like I should try, even if there's no minor program which both japanese and korean apply to. Where else am I gonna get the opportunity anyways?

So I'm one week into classes and I've gotten off to a good start, so far anyways. I finished my first book early, and I'm gonna start the second one as soon as I can, since I have to do a presentation on it in a week an a half. Other than that, things are going....

There has been somethings that have been bothering me lately. I'm starting to wonder if the way I live my life is just completely different from most people. I guess part of it has to do with the fact that my parents never really allowed me to get that close to people outside of immediate family, so I have a few particular habits that only a few people like my mom and brothers can understand. And even when I was at like high school and middle school etc, I never secluded myself to one group of friends cause I didn't like to depend on other people to determine things about me. I make up my mind over what I like and what I don't like. The only people that I usually ask an opinion are as said b4 my mom or brothers. But recently, especially since I've been up in Albany, I'm starting to feel like I'm being pushed into a block of friends and I really don't like it. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but since I have a hard time finding people who can really understand me and accept my personality without judging, I don't like getting attached. But its seems like I have gotten attached to someone specifically, without me even really realizing it happened. Now that I think of it, I started having these "at a distance" friendships with people after elementary school when I had a few bad experiences with people who were supposed to be my "best friends." I've been trying to convince myself that having a "best friend" isn't that bad, probably cause I'm afraid of being alone, which I won't be realistically, but at the same time, I feel like someone you call a best friend isn't just someone who you can laugh with, but also someone who will respect you, your beliefs and ideas. That doesn't mean they have to be the same as you or always agree with you, but at least respect you.

I want this person to respect the fact that I'm POOR and can't go buying food all the time so she can eat when she INVITES HERSELF over, I want this person to respect the fact that I'm particular about things like my bed and don't want other people SLEEPING ON IT OR MESSING IT UP, I want this person to accept the fact that no one's the same and that just because someone likes something not stereotypical of their RACE doesn't make them WEIRD, and I want this person to stop feeling the need to put others DOWN just to make themselves feel BETTER.

But then again, I think its too much to ask someone to change that much, especially if you've said it before. Especially if you found out what they were like from the beginning. I tried to talk to her about it the other day, and I got some stuff out, but I sometimes feel that my niceness is my downfall.  But honestly, is it so wrong to not want someone to sleep in your bed????? I don't know how they do things in N------, and I don't have any sisters, but the only person I ever remember sharing a bed with is my mom a maybe a member of family, and it was on random occasions. There is no one outside of that who I would fell comfortable allowing them to sleep in my bed. Who the hell said you could just come up in my room, get under my covers and fall asleep?? With your germs and crap all over...wtf... As you can see I'm pretty disturbed...I've kinda become a minooorrrr germaphobe as of late, especially when it comes to my bed, because for 2 years it all i had in my room for the most part lol...(but I was like that with my bed even at home)...And I think my anger made me have a few accidents earlier, first getting a little sick :(  (probably due to all the aggravation), then spilling my water  all over the floor and blanket in my anger over finding her in my bed, third spilling the hot pudding thing I made all over my arm desk and carpet, when I was trying to move my computer from my bed (which she had taken over) to my desk. Yes I burned my arm...and it hurts. And I'm pissed, resulting in this stupidly long rant.  But I'm glad I wrote this cause I had almost  forgotten about all the stuff that happened to me when I was younger, and I'm sure that has an impact on how I view friendships nowadays....I'm a lot more wary about people, because they've let me down a lot I guess...but I think I'm mostly upset just because I always give people the respect and I expect to get it in return. I guess that's not how the world works. But I'm sure as hell not gonna tolerate when I don't have to!!!

I'm gonna have to wash my sheets tomorrow....Gross....

So I'm awake right now, not because i want to though. While I'm still kicking I decided to check out msn.com, and I glanced over an article which said something about a teacher burning crosses into his students arms...so I checked it out.  While whatever that guy was HORRIBLE I'm sure... One thing that I've always been bothered with is that schools, persecute teachers for teaching about god and creationism or whatever, but they have nothing against evolution and the big bang theory. Not that I believe either or whatever, but I think its wrong to be so bias. honestly- everything in old lit is about church anyways, so ppl who wanna go into english but dont know about religion are screwed...I dunno, that just always got me mad. And this post is gonna sound like junk because im so tired and really annoyed.

So I'm still in Albany. Still bored. I've decided to live out the rest of my vacation as a lazy bum, since it ends tomorrow when i start classes. I haven't left my apartment, except to take out the garbage. At first I was really depressed about it, because I forgot it was a holiday weekend wen I came up...so everyone went home and I was super lonely. But I figure it'll get better when I'm forced to go out and actually live my life...

Otherwise I've spent most of my time watching tv, movies, cooking and napping. I don't think I've ever slept this much in my life. One movie I watched was Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married?" which I had actually wanted to see when it first came out. I didn't really discover his movies until freshman year when my roommate introduced me to them, and although a good deal of them (the plays especially) have a big religious aspect to them, I really like them....and not just because of the eye candy or whatever... It's nice to sometimes see story lines and characters that you can relate to I guess. Anyways, I just wanted to say that it was a pretty good movie.

I've also been having an urge to chop off all my relaxed (straightened) hair. It seems like every time it starts getting long i wanna cut it off. I don't even remember what my actual hair texture is like. It's so sad to me....but at the same time, I'd have to really do some serious chopping, and I have insecurities about the shape of my head lol...I wanna have a big fro....I keep saying, maybe after I graduate i'll cut my hair off and start growing it natural...but I doubt it.